In a Sense, Starving

I lie here, shriveled and dying

I’m hungry, still crying

My will disappeared moments ago

Now I drag through the dust

 Only the bits of me that I must

Before I slip into the cocoon of forever

I’m wasting away here

And it is worse than I have ever feared

For I’m hollow, I’m out here alone

The trees hover over me

I writhe on the ground waiting for their branches to open up so at last I’ll be free

But it seems I cannot leave you just yet

I stoop my head and I pray

As I wish to look up into the day

To see the sun poking her long golden tendrils through the green

But the hope that existed is ticking itself away

As from the edge of my vision my world begins to fray

And I’m slipping from consciousness into the great beyond

I was supposed to live long and well

With a lifespan of stories to tell

But here instead I lie broken and beaten

My body can no longer take all this pain

Only the hunger remains

I’ve starved myself to the end of the world

I had hoped I would fail

That someday this would merely be a tale

But it seems that is not what is meant to be

As for me, I will die

And no one will cry

Not a soul here on this Earth

Will have tears to shed

For the girl who disappeared

I ran, I up and left

I took off, tried to escape

My eyes could not see

My ears could not hear

But my heart hungered for love and my stomach for food

I was lost

I had run away from all I had known

With the hopes of finding something better

But instead all I found was pain

I am starving.

For the girl who lost everything, for the girl who took everything, for the girl who couldn’t take it, so her life-she had to break it, and no, she won’t make it past dawn.

Into the Ashes

Flames flicker and leap

Shadows dance upon skin

The fire-it molds me

Its touch my payment for my sin

Searing heat burns the flesh from my bones, I am melting away

Choking on smoke as my lungs fill with cinders

Screaming and piercing the air with my words through all this unbearable pain

Losing consciousness until merely the ashes remain

Skin crawling with fire

Flashing through red hot veins

It glints in my eyes

The heat driving me insane

My eyes flutter open, ‘a glimmer of hope

But engulfed by a new flame

I am burnt out

Out the door flies my soul

My body collapses,

But now I am free

Once and for all,

Forever and always,

Gone from memory.

Upward I spiral

My flesh left behind

Through the skies and the clouds flies my soul

And now for myself

A new purpose I set out to find

Freezing the Shadows

Sick and twisted

Dark and deep

In corridors and locked drawers

A secret she must keep

For hidden in the shadows

Of her swathed dark room

Blood bleeds from the corner

Where a man met his doom

This horror film stars a princess

This romance is one for a murderess

The lies that are hidden here under all of this mess

We’ve left for you to sort out and guess

Under the smile, the favored pink lacy dress

Secrets are teaming

For it’s always the quiet ones

You’d better start screaming

Four days ago

On a dark stormy night

She ran up to him

And started quite the fight

Knife to the stomach

Fist to the heart

She murdered the man

Then turned to depart

But bodies can’t be left lying

Just sprawled on the street

So she dragged him back to the apartment

The feeling of success so sweet

Just now did she realize

What she had done

Blood on her hands and murder in her heart

All she wanted now, was to up, away, and run

But as she could not, she just stood there and stared

Into the cold dark eyes of the man she had killed

As her heart she now realized

Of hatred was filled

He lay upon her floor

Eyes looking like glass

Frozen in time

The look on his face was his last.

The Soul Current

Out the back

Door of the old wooden shack

Flows a river

Secrets in the air above quiver and shiver

-and with time

For the river cuts deeper

‘Tis a storybook keeper

Each year it learns more but never tells

Of each person, heartbeat, tale, and secret that into its depths has fell

-lessons learned,

Some people would say

The river carries the rocks of broken dreams each day

But I find that is not true

Instead I believe that it carries the hope of all things anew

-adventures taken,

For my story is long

It takes turns, climbs mountains, falls down crevices like each heartbreaking song

And I’m happy to know

That my long winded tale, will always be found in the river come rain or snow

-are added to

I’ve lived long, I’ve lived well

Oh, the stories I could tell

But I’d rather that you write your own

So for now I’ll put my words away so that your own skills you can hone

-the storybook

I was born on a bright sunny day 95 years ago

Then as a young one I played and I ran to and fro

As I grew up I learned more and more of what it truly is to be me

And now as my story comes to a close, I know that my soul will run free

-so, when I die

Age does not scare me

So in death let me be

I’m ready to find my peace of mind

Sweet serenity lulled to forever in time

-the water will always know

My story is long, I find the ending sweet

To die after a life as wondrous as my is really quite a feat

I am happy and at peace, I am ready to rest

This old woman’s body can take no more stress

-who I was.

-and with time, lessons learned, adventures taken, are added to the story book. So, when I die the water will always know who I was.

The river-it carries my soul.

The Drugged Denial Exchanges

Nobody warned me, nobody told me how to fill this empty hole here in my chest. They left me, forgotten, lying alone on the cold linoleum floor. I picked myself up and made myself stand. I wanted to pretend that I was not broken. So I treaded through this existence in a daze, wandering through my own personal maze of misery, alone. Mistaken for a bird but I cannot fly.

I smiled and talked, absentmindedly I worked. People thought I was stressed, so I ran. And every drop of perspiration they mistook for inspiration when reality screamed it was tears.

My wall-it held strong-it blocked out the world, kept them from seeing my truth. I lied and I hid, molded my face into the perfect mask of uncontrolled happiness. I exchanged my empty eyes for sparkling ones on the black market, it only cost me my soul.

So while everyone thought I was doing so well and excelling at life’s little trials, I was really jumping at the slightest promise of noise in hopes that not one person would put me in the metal cage called a car to drive me to some big whitewashed building. ‘Cause all that building could be is false hope for false pretenses, fantasy truths told to make us miserable just a little bit longer. It thrives on blood and tears and every single being fears to be called into the depths of its winding and blinding corridors with big terms on signs and arrows that never point in the right direction. They come with there clipboards and claim they have healed you with their pills, bottles, and tubes, when really all they have done is put tape on what’s been broken for a weak temporary fix. Then they pump drugs into your veins so you can live a life where your survival is based on little white and blue spheres in plastic bottles of man made denial.

To them you are dying or crying, sad or suicidal. All they want is for you to move on with your life and leave them alone.

I just want to weep; I’ve got secrets to keep. Don’t give me an x-ray to tell me what I already know; my insides are empty save for old dusty sadness that’s collected in its corners.

So what if there’s a void I cannot seem to fill? I’m not planning on spilling every little detail to you so you can pretend you have fixed me and go home happy thinking you’ve save another life.

Why try? I already know that I am dying, each day my body decays and my mind, well that’s gone for good.

So why make me live an empty life where the only thing flowing through my shell of a body is fake magic? I’m done for, I’m gone, emotions up and left me long long ago. Not even the sad empty hopelessness that lingered for years graces me with its presence anymore. So if my feelings have evaporated into our thin carbon dioxide filled air, why make me wait around for my body to spoil? Let me fade away while my shell of flesh still pretends it is perfect.

All I’ve ever asked for,

All I’ve ever wanted,

I beg of you,

Forget me,

Let the empty disappear

Go ahead and drink your drug denial, but I’ve picked my poison.

Love Sick Asylum

Glass covered eyes shatter to pieces

As lips dark as night bleed red.

Secrets start falling from the storm clouds above

And bullets rain down on our heads.

How did I let you convince me that all was okay?

That I was safe standing here

Next to you?

God only knows why I just watched, did not scream,

As you took your knife to my skin so I bled.

What on earth was I thinking?

That our problems would solve themselves when my blood stopped flowing?

That somehow we’d end all this horror with bliss?

So foolishly I waited for you

-to open those lying blue eyes

And as you opened your eyes to your shock you would find

you were causing me deadly pain.

Bleeding and broken

Cornered and crying

Desperate for your love but I was dying

I love you

You scar me

You burning with matches and scratch with words

The lies that you fed me

The agony that you served me

A daily reminder of how much I hate you

If I were stronger, not weak

I’d be the one out to kill you

Then how come I still love you?

But I was still there-bleeding and broken

as you hurt me so badly I shrieked

You poked me and prodded me

pinched me and pulled me

KiLl Me ThIsTiMe

My body cannot take any more pain

My emotions-you have killed them

My tears had run dry

KiLl Me ThIsTiMe

My heart had been bleeding

My lips-them too

My bones were broken

As I had lain on the floor battered and bruised

Snapping in half under back breaking pain

The blood pooled underneath me

I criedand I screamed

I writhed and I flailed

My limbs went weak

My heart stuttered-then failed

YoU KilLeD Me ThIsTiMe

The Way the World Turns

Help me please, I just don’t understand

Why did you take her?

She was loving and kind,

But best of all, she was mine.

Why did you take her?

A mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter. Why whisk her away prematurely? Her life wasn’t ready to just up and be done; she had not even made it halfway. We need her now more than ever. For who will hold me when I cry, who will teach my dreams to fly?

Why did you take her?

Did you know that she promised to help me grow up? She had helped me take my first steps, but her job was not done just yet, for I need her here to help me curl my hair and pick out my dress for my very first steps, but in heels this time. I need her here when my heart breaks to pieces and to help push me to succeed. She should be standing by to tell me how to fix what I’ve broken, when to run, when to stand tall, and how to be the best me of all.

Why did you take her?

She promised she’d be better by Christmas, and then we’d make cookies and get so covered in flour we’d look like cookie monsters.  We never even made it to the Fourth of July.

You took her too soon.

I needed her hand to hold

To see her smile just one last time

To look into her eyes and just know that I’d make it through all of this with her as my guide

I wasn’t ready for you to take her.

I promised her that we would get through these moments together

That I could be there by her bedside in an instant

And I tried

I really did

But the traffic was stuck so I got out to run

I just wasn’t fast enough

When I finally burst through the glass double doors to the sterile germ house

I was too late

I knew I was too late

Her eyes were closed

Her breathe had stopped

Her hands had gone cold

All I wanted was to see her one last time

Hug her

Tell her how much she meant to me

To be held in her arms

To be told I was loved

But I was too late.

You took her too soon.

I should have run faster.