The Drugged Denial Exchanges

Nobody warned me, nobody told me how to fill this empty hole here in my chest. They left me, forgotten, lying alone on the cold linoleum floor. I picked myself up and made myself stand. I wanted to pretend that I was not broken. So I treaded through this existence in a daze, wandering through my own personal maze of misery, alone. Mistaken for a bird but I cannot fly.

I smiled and talked, absentmindedly I worked. People thought I was stressed, so I ran. And every drop of perspiration they mistook for inspiration when reality screamed it was tears.

My wall-it held strong-it blocked out the world, kept them from seeing my truth. I lied and I hid, molded my face into the perfect mask of uncontrolled happiness. I exchanged my empty eyes for sparkling ones on the black market, it only cost me my soul.

So while everyone thought I was doing so well and excelling at life’s little trials, I was really jumping at the slightest promise of noise in hopes that not one person would put me in the metal cage called a car to drive me to some big whitewashed building. ‘Cause all that building could be is false hope for false pretenses, fantasy truths told to make us miserable just a little bit longer. It thrives on blood and tears and every single being fears to be called into the depths of its winding and blinding corridors with big terms on signs and arrows that never point in the right direction. They come with there clipboards and claim they have healed you with their pills, bottles, and tubes, when really all they have done is put tape on what’s been broken for a weak temporary fix. Then they pump drugs into your veins so you can live a life where your survival is based on little white and blue spheres in plastic bottles of man made denial.

To them you are dying or crying, sad or suicidal. All they want is for you to move on with your life and leave them alone.

I just want to weep; I’ve got secrets to keep. Don’t give me an x-ray to tell me what I already know; my insides are empty save for old dusty sadness that’s collected in its corners.

So what if there’s a void I cannot seem to fill? I’m not planning on spilling every little detail to you so you can pretend you have fixed me and go home happy thinking you’ve save another life.

Why try? I already know that I am dying, each day my body decays and my mind, well that’s gone for good.

So why make me live an empty life where the only thing flowing through my shell of a body is fake magic? I’m done for, I’m gone, emotions up and left me long long ago. Not even the sad empty hopelessness that lingered for years graces me with its presence anymore. So if my feelings have evaporated into our thin carbon dioxide filled air, why make me wait around for my body to spoil? Let me fade away while my shell of flesh still pretends it is perfect.

All I’ve ever asked for,

All I’ve ever wanted,

I beg of you,

Forget me,

Let the empty disappear

Go ahead and drink your drug denial, but I’ve picked my poison.